Kicking and Screaming into the 21st Century

Rick and I just got Blackberries. We’re not exactly early adapters when it comes to new technology. Unfortunately my phone was so old the woman couldn’t even extract my phone numbers to automatically transfer them. “Oh, that’s fine,” I told her, blithely. “I’ll just enter them by hand. I don’t have that many.”

That was eight hours ago. I’m now blind, have a headache, and still haven’t entered everyone. The damn keys are so tiny I can hardly see them, even with my reading glasses on.

I can type about 100 wpm, but I spent ten minutes searching for the “B” key. I was convinced they’d left off the “B” key. Is this something I didn’t hear about? Did everyone get together and decide we no longer need “B?” Did I get a defective Blackberry? Where the hell is the “B” key!!! Oh – there it is. Okay.

I finally entered my dear friend “b*ar!*3a – I don’t need her last name because it’s too long, and who cares where she lives, I’m never going to visit her or send her a card. Damn, her e-mail address is You know what, I’ll just call her from now on. No more e-mails for b*ar!*3a.

And apparently my good friend KAren lives at “wr36 1/2 Smith rd in the city of “* in 9*. For the love of God why do many addresses in Los Angeles have “1/2” or “1/4” in them? Forget it. I’m not entering any more addresses.

I’ve decided I have far too many friends. Anyone who I haven’t called in the last three months – they’re not getting entered. And I don’t really need to put in all those doctors and dentists. I’ll just call 911 the next time I’m sick.

I’m exhausted and starving. I’d call out for pizza but I’ve been stabbing at it for the last five minutes trying to make a phone call. Does this thing even make phone calls or did everyone get together and decide we no longer need to do that, either? I’ve really got to learn how to text.

I think I’m done now. The only other thing I have to do is inform my husband we’ll be celebrating his birthday on August 30 from now on, because that’s what the Blackberry says, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to change it. Happy birthday, honey!


9 Comments on “Kicking and Screaming into the 21st Century”

  1. Shoulda got some iPhones………or so goes the song.

    LOL – a friend loaned us her Blackberry when we were going across country so that I could text her what I was seeing. I did not know how to text, and my mind was not really focused, as I was staring at the 26 foot long Penske truck that held our lives, and the 18 foot long flatbed hauling out car, and wondering how in the world we were going to make it with two cats and a crow, especially when we were warned that we could not back the truck up with this kind of flatbed.

    So, I was half paying attention as she showed me how to text. She also informed me, as I was protesting at this expensive loan/gift, that her husband HATED that Blackberry, he called the company and wanted to return it, get his money back, and go in a different direction. The say “Sorry” by sending him a NEW, exactly the same as his current, Blackberry. So, he had two that he hated, and was more than happy to pass the evil little extra one onto us.

    I got the hang of texting, as some of the states were rather dull and long after awhile and it was easy to text “corn…..more corn. Hungry. The Corn Cafe just ahead, yipee. Iowa has a lot of corn.”

    Also, I have a bad habit of writing full sentences. Therefore, I was texting in full sentences, and managed to totally miss seeing Salt Lake City as we drove by it because I was trying to finish a sentence.

    The best first day here was taking that damned Blackberry with a Thank You note and sending it right back to my friend, who probably fainted when he opened up the package and saw that the evil thing had made it’s way back home.

    You will be JUST Fine – I believe the next step in therapy will be therapists who specialize in the breakdowns associated with technology.

  2. Mel Ryane says:

    And it has the darling, bucolic name of Blackberry. Conjuring images of peaceful country walks with a wicker basket collecting sweet fruity bites for a pie…oh that was a good advertising move calling them Blackberries.

  3. Hahaha… I had so much fun reading this (although I’m sorry for your troubles, of course).

  4. Imogen says:

    And there I thought that you had gone and got some fresh produce! By the way – my book post is up.

  5. K-Line says:

    Totally hilarious! (I still don’t have one, btw) 🙂

  6. insidethesparkling says:

    Girl, you need an iPhone! It shouldn’t be that hard! 🙂

  7. editor says:

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!

    (btw, i HATE that i love my iphone. HATE it!!! stupid heavy, indispensable thing.)

  8. Tara Zucker says:

    Unfortunately AT&T doesn’t work at our house. Apparently we’re in some strange little pocket of no coverage. We really wanted iPhones, but it wasn’t possible. If the real estate market wasn’t so bad, we’d consider selling the house …

  9. Omigosh, Tara, you’re the only writer who makes me laugh out loud so profoundly that I startle my housemates — even the fish. When I got to “I finally entered my dear friend “b*ar!*3a” I just burst out, and will once again be laughing at your sensibilities for days in my happy little brain.

    I have not had the courage to get a “smart phone” yet, cuz I’m fairly certain it’ll out-smart, out-wit, and out-do me. Kudos to you and Rick for your courage and eternal hip factor!

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