Avast and Away – My New Career Awaits!Posted: August 15, 2009
I’m telling you, the job situation is dismal out there. Every day Monster.com sends me a list of jobs, and lately there’s been nothing even remotely possible for me. However – I also check several other job sites, and I think I may have found a winner on Jobs.com. I have attached my letter to the hiring manager.
The position: VP Sales – Anti-Piracy (Media Company)
Requesting permission to board, Cap’n. Your temptin’ morsel of a job appeared in my spy glass today, and I felt it incumbent upon my sense of duty to offer my services. Aargh! I’m not one to brag – and my devoted crew can attest to this – but I think you will find none better at anti-piracy than myself. Havin’ traveled many miles upon the sea in my career, I have liberated ships too numerous to count, and released from bondage countless poor souls who have come under the evil grips of the most desperate group of sea-menaces ever to cross the ocean. An expert in all things piratic, you will find no finer candidate than I, of this you can be sure! Aye – tis true. Ask anyone in any port anywhere – my legend precedes me and my legacy is vast. I make no false claims, of this you can be sure, but I have attached my resume in case you require written verification of my sacred word. (References upon request.)
I would advise you to think carefully about your reply, my friend. I will be waiting. And watching. And if I receive no communication from you in a timely manner, I will gain entry to your premises and take my answer in person!!! Please do not consider this a threat. It is merely … incentive for a prompt response. I am sure you would agree that this is the kind of initiative you are seeking in a prospective candidate.
Tara “The Tiger of the Seas” Zucker