Tales Of Middle Age Featuring Pills, The Wrestler, Jitterbug, and Life AlertPosted: July 11, 2009
This morning I took several more steps down the inevitable path to old age, decay, abandonment, and sitting around in a tatty dressing gown wondering when someone would come visit me in the home.
What happened was this. I was having breakfast, reading about musician George Thorogood and his penchant for black snakeskin clothes, when I realized I could not remember if I’d taken my blood pressure pill. I knew I’d taken it yesterday, because I had recently watched the movie “THE WRESTLER” and there was a scene where Mickey Rourke took some pills, and first he shook the bottle. I have no idea why he did that, other than to signal the audience that he, the Wrestler, was about to take some pills which was somehow going to be relevant to the story. Perhaps he felt the scene was too quiet and he wanted to make it a little merrier. Since it was not a very merry film at all, I can understand why he might have thought this. However, I, myself, have never shaken the bottle when I have taken any pills, and I thought it was an odd thing to do. The next morning, when I picked up my little bottle of “Listen Up” blood pressure pills, I decided to give them a little shake. It did indeed make a merry sound. Anyway, the point is, I know I took my pill that day because of the little shake. But this morning, I could not remember if I’d taken the pill.
And then of course, I started to think about how very old I am, which led me, as it usually does, to think about that gigantic Jitterbug phone. I am torn about the Jitterbug phone. On the one hand, “It doesn’t have a gazillion features! Only the ones you need.” On the other hand, apparently when you’re old you only need two buttons on your phone – 1) huge button that says “home” so when you wander away from the facility and the police find you, they can call someone to come get you; and 2) huge button that says “O” so you don’t have to try to make your gnarled arthritic fingers dial an entire number. “Special operators can assist you – twenty-four hours a day!”
The Jitterbug phone takes you back to the olde times, when you dialed “O” and got a person, instead of robot voice mail. And that person was a woman sitting at a huge switchboard, and she would plug things in and out and say, “I’m connecting you now.” And then she would secretly listen to you tell your best friend that your husband was having an affair and you just drank a bottle of gin. Ah, the good olde times, when you just had to dial “O.”
Of course, after that I had to go find the Jitterbug commercial on YouTube, which was a mistake because I still can’t get the stupid theme song out of my head (“JItterbug! Jitterbug!”) But I did find this, which made me laugh, even though I don’t have children and I’m fairly certain I’ll die alone and forgotten and possibly lie for days before anyone discovers my decaying body.
Anyway, I eventually ended up at CVS Pharmacy where I bought one of those pill containers that has a little compartment for each day of the week. When I got home I spent twenty minutes trying to open it before I figured out the secret of the child lock mechanism. I’m exhausted, but pretty sure I’ve got the whole “take a pill each morning” thing under control now, and I’ll live another day to fight the fight.