Monster.com

As you may or may not know, I was laid off from my “day job” some time ago. It was not my “real” job. It was just a way to pay the bills until I find my true calling. I was only there for twelve years, which is hardly enough time to even learn anyone’s name.

Anyway, I came across a job listing today that I think I’d be PERFECT for. I’m working on my cover letter now. Let me know what you think.

Dear Hiring Manager:

I am sure you have received many applications from some very fine candidates for the position of “Quality Assurance Tester with an Online Gaming Company.” Now let me tell you why you should throw away all those other resumes and hire me.

I am an excellent candidate for this position. True, I am not a big gamer. And by that I mean I have never played any sort of online game at all, ever. I did, however, buy that SIMS game for my husband’s friend’s tween daughter about five years ago. Do you know that game? Maybe you don’t since they are probably a competitor of yours and maybe you’re not allowed to play it. I can assure you that it was her birthday and she was very excited to receive it. Therefore, I feel I would be a good fit for the online gaming industry.

In particular, I feel confident that I would be a great addition to the “Quality Assurance” team. I especially like the part in the job description where you say you need someone who can “identify abnormalities and unintended behavior.” Oh my god! That is so me!

First of all, I used to be in the theater, so I am quite familiar with abnormalities. There was this one girl I was in a play with and she used to do those Renaissance Faires way out in the Valley, and she’d be out in the hot sun all day wenching around and serving mead, and then she’d come straight to the theater and would not shower before she put on her costume. Boy, did she stink. I mean, it was really abnormal the way she smelled. At first no one knew where the abnormal smell was coming from, but I was able to identify the abnormal smell, and the stage manager asked her to either shower or get dressed in the ladies bathroom. Everyone was very pleased that I had identified the abnormality. Doesn’t this sound like someone you need to have working for you?

As for the “unintended behavior,” well – I believe I posses exceptional skills in this area. When I was with my former boyfriend, he used to tell me he would call me, and then he wouldn’t call, and when I would go to his house at midnight to confront him, he would say he had “intended” to call but then he started talking to his neighbor (the blond model who had just moved to LA from the Midwest) and had somehow lost track of time. I was able to recognize that this was, indeed, unintended behavior on his part. We continued to date for several weeks, but eventually we broke up anyway because he told me he admired a guy on the street who was wearing MC Hammer pants, and I kind of lost respect for him.

Please review my attached resume, and I’m certain you will see that I have all the requirements to be an excellent “Quality Assurance Tester with an Online Gaming Company.”

I look forward to hearing from you.

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7 Comments on “Monster.com”

  1. Yup, that’ll work.

    Send it and keep us posted how the phone and in person interview goes.

    Best always,
    – Peter

  2. Tara Zucker says:

    Hi Peter – thanks for the thumbs up! I totally except to be called in for an interview.

  3. I feel sure the job is yours for the taking. Your ability to notice “unintended behavior” is brilliant. ROFLOL!!!!

  4. Tara Zucker says:

    La Belette – thanks! I’m going to go out now and buy something expensive with all the money I am certain I will soon be earning!

  5. Imogen says:

    I’m sure you’ll get the job!

    I once played in a string quartet at a wedding where the vows were “I intend to remain faithful”, I intend to clean the toilet, doesn’t always happen!

  6. Tara Zucker says:

    Imogen – you played in a string quartet? Very cool! What instrument?

  7. Allen Voivod says:

    Tara, I want to hug you. It’s a crime on humanity that you aren’t being snatched up by KCRW/NPR to do these like those little fin-de-siele spots at :55 past the hour, which ultimately lead to the book deals and the signings at the 3rd Street Borders and the cult following and the columns in LA Weekly that lead to widespread syndication.

    And that’s not the second glass of red wine talking. It might be the third, but it’s definitely not the second.


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