I’m Ready For My Close Up, Mr. DeMille

My niece, who is a junior in high school, was here for a visit over the Thanksgiving break. She lives in stupid New Jersey, where nothing interesting ever happens and there is absolutely no glamour. In her extensive years thus far, she has attained all the knowledge you would ever need, so she thought it was time to come to LA and check it out.  You know, in preparation for moving out here, after college, which her incredibly mean parents told her she must attend so she can get a job that will pay for stuff, which she totally won’t need since she’s going to be discovered and be a famous actress. Or else maybe she’ll be a historian and work for movies, making sure that they are accurate and all. Because Hollywood movies really value accuracy, you know. But she would rather be an actress in a soap opera, because that is where all the best actors are and that would be amazing.

She was quite impressed with LA. She loved all the pink and yellow houses. There are no interesting houses in New Jersey. There is nothing fun in New Jersey at all.  She also loved all the big houses, like in Beverly Hills and up on Mulholland.  When she is a famous star, she will live in a house that will be huge and very old – like, built in the 80’s or something, because she loves history. 

Since she didn’t happen to notice any sushi places, she concluded that no one in LA eats sushi. She was very glad about this. She thinks sushi is stupid. Everyone in New Jersey loves sushi and thinks it is the best thing ever, but did you know that sushi is RAW FISH? Take that back and cook it! But she still wouldn’t eat it, because she doesn’t eat fish. She also doesn’t eat meat (it has meat in it), anything green (too green), and any sauce of any kind (too saucy.) She only likes to eat things her mother cooks, because her mother knows exactly how to cook the food she likes, so when she was here she only ate half a grilled cheese sandwich and part of a quesadilla with nothing but cheese in it and some waffles, which were good, but not as good as the ones her mother makes. 

She did, however, approve of the weather, the cool skateboard guys (all the skateboard guys in New Jersey are lame), Venice Beach and also the Grove, where there were lots of interesting people.  There are no interesting people in New Jersey at all.  She noted that everyone in LA is happy and they say kind things to each other.  She felt that this had to do with the weather. Did you know it’s a proven conclusion that warm weather makes people happy?  That is true.  Plus, the palm trees look like big lollypops, so what’s not to like????

The morning she left she got up extra early and had her bag all packed and ready to go. She was very, very sad to be leaving LA and going home to stupid New Jersey. My brother said that when she got home she raced to her room and called all her friends and couldn’t stop talking about how much she loved LA, and then she ate every single thing that her mother cooked for dinner while she told them how much she loved LA, and then fell sound asleep snuggled in her own bed at home in stupid New Jersey.


2 Comments on “I’m Ready For My Close Up, Mr. DeMille”

  1. Okay, I read this last night, and only now can I stop cackling and actually say….UH….I do not know what to say.

    All I can tell you is that in between bursts of laughter every time I thought about it last night and this morning, was the obsessive math Tomas and I were doing concerning his FIVE, yes FIVE, nieces and nephews, ranging in age from about four to about fifteen.

    Split between his two sisters.

    The math being that when one of them gets the idea that they want to live out here, and they are legally able to make that decision, we will probably be out of the state, country, or dead.

    I want to thank you. The scenario you painted in your brilliant post had never crossed my mind, and I have never experienced being unable to stop laughing while having a total panic attack.


  2. I didn’t know whether to laugh at the post or cry because I was old enough now to be in on the joke.

    So I did a weird combination of a guffaw and teary-eyed sniff that sounded like a mutated hiccup and watched an episode of the Simpsons.

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